I was speaking with a friend tonight. They called me paranoid. At first that hurt but then I realized they are correct. I have lost so much that I’m truly frightened to my core of losing anymore. I am responsible for the things that I’ve lost in this life. I want to be perfectly clear I am no saint and I am the master of my own disaster that I call life.
whether the losses have acerbated my mental state or it is my mental state that has brought on the sharp decline, either way my grasp on life and I fear sanity is slipping.
I’ve lost my place to live, not the first time, but now I am truly homeless. I’ve lost my connection with my girls basically, I’m just holding on by a thread and I fear I’m going to lose that. I blew up my marriage and I have pretty much driven everyone but a few people out of my life and I don’t know how much longer I’ll keep them. Deep down inside this fear of losing things accelerates my poor decision making. My fear of losing things causes me to lose things. My fear of losing things causes me to have a warped sense of reality and bizarre filters in which I filter everyday behavior and assign depressing and malicious motives to most things. While I like to think that I think deep thoughts it has been a while since I have really looked at my life and where I’m at where I want to be and what changes I need to make.